Seattle, Washington, October, 1970






From "The Memoirs, Chapter Four" -


            Then, too, we were getting invitations to parties and such and a few of the frat houses at the University of Washington wanted our shows, but more, you know, racy! they said.


            At that time Zap Comics were real big and all the hippies read them and they were full of well-known characters, the big-ass girl of R. Crumb, the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and such, to name a few.  A popular series was S. Clay Wilson's “Captain Pissgums and His Pervert Pirates,” a ridiculous series about a ship full of ugly pervert pirates who sailed the seas, fucking each other and such.


            Well, we pieced together a few of the episodes and amplified the story of the attacking dyke ship of the Captain Fatima and her butch lesbians, sworn enemies of Captain Pissgums and our heroes.  Billy King played Pissgums, Brenda played Fatima, Russ Pissgum’s thug, John Counter the Captain’s favorite cabin boy, all with big rubber dicks for the guys and big false titties for the girls. 



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NARRATOR:  One night the Pirates were just laying around, playing with each other and blowing opium trying to figure out where to travel to.


TONY:  Maybe we should go to Spain, Felix … nice balls.

GEORGE:  Hey, Captain, where we headed next?

LESTER:  George, you’re wearing lip rouge again.

CAPTAIN:  (smoking) Uuuuhh, … we’re going … uuh … we’re gonna see … uuh, George, come here and sit on my face.

GEORGE:  Alright, Captain.  (he sits on the captain’s face) … now what, sir?

CAPTAIN:  (shoving him off)  PHAW!  George, you’re a big pain in the ass, always doin’ anything people ask!

GEORGE:  Pain in the ass?  Must be your face!  (giggle)

LESTER:  Seriously though, Captain, where we headed next?  My love life is beginning to slide.

TONY:  (to Lester)  Ball me.

CAPTAIN:  Lemme think a minute, Lester.  (he gets out a map)  Let me check my navigation charts … Hmmm, FUCK!  I haven’t the foggiest notion where we are!  Let’s figure this shit out tomorrow.  You men go above and play.  Me and George gotta have some privacy.

GEORGE:  My lip rouge is smeared again, Captain … piss!


(The men go above, Captain and George embrace.)


CAPTAIN:  George, you’re my favorite. …

GEORGE:  Captain, oooooh, my Captain …

(Lester bursts in the door.)

LESTER:  I’d love to bust that fruity George in da mouth…

(Captain throws a boot hitting Lester in the mouth.)

CAPTAIN:  Next time knock, ya lout!

(George falls out of bed, Lester swings a club at the Captain, hits Lester in the mouth.)

CAPTAIN:  You’re a crazy son of a bitch, mate.

(Captain hits Lester with the butt of his gun, Lester falls.)

CAPTAIN:  All this pointless fucking violence, All I wanted was a night with George.  Best I go help the lad up.

GEORGE:  Here I am, Captain Pissgums, my love.  I got a little something for ya …

CAPTAIN:  (embracing George)  Mmmm, George, my dove, your crank is as warm as toast …


(Song:  “You’re Lovely,” various positions, at last both sit admiring the Captain’s erect member.)


CAPTAIN:  Not a bad slab of meat, I must say.

GEORGE:  Let’s have the little Cabin Boy muse over it.


(Tony is dusting in another part of the ship.)

TONY:  This dusting makes me sneeze and when I start sneezing my crank starts to ooze.  Oh, well …

GEORGE:  Forget that, Tony.  The Captain has something else to dust.

TONY:  Uuugh!  You reek of absinthe …


(George takes Tony into the Captain’s room.  The Captain has been jerking off into an antique vase.)

GEORGE:  The Captain has a prize prod, my blushing-balled birdlet.

TONY:  My dusting!  What about my dusting?

CAPTAIN:  (about to come)  Please come in … be seated if you like … I’ll, I’ll be with you in a minute … mmmggg …!

TONY:  The dusting can wait.  I want the Captain’s big throbbing prod shoved down my throat!

(The Captain comes, a bulls-eye in the vase.)

GEORGE:  Nice shot, Captain.  Want the cabin boy to lick it clean?

CAPTAIN:  Yes, get all his clothes off and then put him in the harness.

(George goes out with Tony.  The Captain is playing with his come.)

CAPTAIN:  Hmmm, mmm, uk uk mmk, … unggmk.

(Geogre returns with Tony in the harness.)

TONY:  This thing is tight … and hot!

CAPTAIN:  Come, my sweet, and run your tongue over my emblem of the generative power.

(Tony begins sucking the Captain.  George starts jacking off, holding a pistol to Tony’s ass.)

GEORGE:  Don’t flinch, you prick, of you’re a gone goose!

CAPTAIN:  OOOOOoooh, Christ, shit, howdy, … Work out, my little dusting dick!

(George starts to come and accidentally fires the pistol up Tony’s ass.)

CAPTAIN:  AHHHHHHEEEE!  … You bastard, George!  The ball went clear through and plugged up my crank!

GEORGE:  Whew!





CAPTAIN:  Good morning, men, you look like hell!  What we’re gonna do, though, is stay on this course for awhile.  I realize that sounds vague, … but don’t sweat it.  Today everybody gets a double ration of grog!  And we’re gonna keep on the same course and sail and sail and fuck!



(Big orgy scene.)





(The pirates are sitting around the grog barrel, singing and feeling each other up.)

FELIX:  How old are you mate?

LESTER:  Old enough to drink cup after cup of this here grog!

FELIX:  I’m just trying to strike up some gentle conversation … Can I fondle yer tool?

LESTER:  (smiling)  It’s ungodly big, want to see?

FELIX:  I sure would.  Want to finish yer rum first?

LESTER:  Fuck that rum, I’m proud of my crank.  I’ll just reach down and flip it up on this table.

(He pulls out a gigantic prick, over three feet long, eight inches in diameter.)

FELIX:  My thunder!  What a wopper …

LESTER:  Ain’t it nice?  It’s the biggest on board …  When I pop it fills buckets!

FELIX:  It looks great mate!  Let me sample it …

(He pulls out a knife and chops off the end of it, popping it in his mouth.)

FELIX:  Mmmm!  … The heads always taste best!

(Lester exits sobbing histerically.)





(The Captain and Tony are soaking in the sun.)

CAPTAIN:  What wonderful cranks you young ‘uns have …

TONY:  Squeeze harder, Cap!

(Suddenly a cannon ball comes crashing through the foremast.)


GEORGE:  It’s the DYKE PIRATES off the larboard bow!!!


(The dyke ship “The Qwivering Thight” sails into view.)


FATIMA:  I’m willing to bet the tip of my red-hot tongue that ol´Captain Pissgums is shitting in his boots about now!  Give ém another round, Ruth my tart!

RUTH:  Very good, sir!!

(Another shot, this one hitting Felix in the balls.)


FELIX:  Jesusfuckingchristalmighty!!!


FATIMA:  Try these shots on for size, Captain Pissgums, you bitty ol’ shit.


(Another round, this time en entire volley, nearly destroying Pissgums’ ship.  Then quiet.)


CAPTAIN:  They’re a bunch of nasty ones, George.  I lost my new hat and everything.  Better get the men together!  That bitch, Fatima, will be over here like a shot, to fight us hand to hand.  Long day ahead!

LESTER:  Can’t see jack-shit out of this eye.

CAPTAIN:  Alright, mates, grab a sword or club or some damn thing!  Those dykes’ll be over here on us like stink on shit in about a minute!  Break out the arms, Master George!

GEORGE:  Alright, mates, grab a cutlass.


(Meanwhile on “The Quivering Thigh”)


FATIMA:  Alright, girls, get your cunts a crackin’.  Later on today old Pissgums will be beggin’ for mercy!  Let’s let ‘em have it!

LULU:  Have what, sir?




(The cry is taken up by all the men and then also by all the women.)



         HERE COMES THE DYKES!  (etc.)


(A gigantic fight.)


FELIX:  I ain’t used to fightin’ women, not even dykes.  How could I dare touch that nice tit with a weapon?  I can’t …

(Ruth hits him with a board.)

RUTH:  I ain’t interested in your sex life, mate!

CAPTAIN:  Fight ‘em, men!  Remember they’re dykes anyway!

LESTER:  The Captain’s right!  These women just ball each other, … so let’s fight their ass!

LULU:  You snag-nut smelly bilge rat!

RUTH:  You ugly mother, get your teeth of my titty!

TONY:  Let go of my tool!

FATIMA:  Where’s ol’ Captain Pissgums?  I’m gonna fix his little wagon for him, by God!

(Pissgums rushes in with a dead fish and smacks Fatima in the mouth with it.)

CAPTAIN:  Try this out,, toots!

TONY:  Smack ‘er good, Cap!

(Fatima, maddened, rips off Pissgums’ pants, bites his cock and they go rolling down into the hatch.)


(Meanwhile the fighting between the perverts and the dykes has slowed down.)


FELIX:  Whew!  This fightin’s too much like workin’ … Let’s fuck instead, mate.

RYTH:  You’re right, mate.

GEORGE:  Nice jugs.

RUTH:  You’ve got a nice touch, for a man.  Hold my twat.


LULU:  (rushing in)  Listen, everybody!  I just discovered that this ship is SINKIN’ FAST!

RUTH:  We can all go aboard our ship, “The Qwivering Thigh” and have some fun!  Pull ourselves together, and even though we’re dykes, we can use you men cuzz you’re all hung so nice … Exceptions can be made.  So let’s go have ourselves a fat orgy!

LULU:  You men are perverts and we’re dykes?  Hmmmm, we can work it out.


(Both crews leave the ship to sink, forgetting to inform Captain Pissgums and Fatima who are about to come.)


CAPTAIN:  Hmmmmgh … umpfff, Fatima … Fatima, oh yer so fuckin’ hairy, mmmm

FATIMA:  Captain Pissy, I am yours forever!  Please … eat out my clit.

CAPTAIN:  Fatima, I love you, smmmmghk …


(As the pirate ship sinks into the water, both crews shout,)



          MAKE LOVE NOT WAR!


     GLURK …

             Gurk …

                    Blub …

                          Burble …





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            So we played it around at the frat houses and got ourselves a bit more reputation.


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