From "The Memoirs, Chapter Five" -
came up with a new piece. We wanted to stage something like our
“20-minute spectaculars” that we had done in Seattle, with music and
silly singing and dancing and lewd innuendoes, that we could play
around in some coffee shops and such. We set it in the Bay Area, a
spoof of those 50's sci-fi pix and called it “The Triple-Dick
Monster from Outer Space” with a very graphic poster, of course,
about a monster from outer space who has three dicks and lands in
Piedmont and is the last of his species, and whose mission in life is to
mate with as many young high schools girls as possible, to further
propigate his race. His anatomy,
of course, allowing him to impregnate three at once. Terry would
play the monster.
Soon the show was ready for an audience and we began hawking it around
the bars and coffee houses of North Beach. We would do it for
free, of course, just passing the hat after the shows and, again, having the time of our
* * *
Scene One – A party
at the beach
(A teen rock bank
Pooksie: Gee, it sure is a
beautiful night to be out at the ocean, ain’t it, Betty?
Betty: It sure is, Pooksie.
Pooksie: And romantic, too.
Leonard: (aside to Frankie)
Hell yes, I feel like getting some ass tonight.
Frankie: Oh …uh …that’s a good
Leonard: Ha, ha,
ha, ha, oh yeah. I forgot you
ain’t got no hair on your balls yet, ha ha ha ...
Pooksie: What are you boys
whisperin’ about over there? Somethin’ you don’t want us girls to hear?
Leonard: Aw, shucks, no, Pooksie.
I was just sayin’ that Frankie here ain’t
got no …
Frankie: Golly, Leonard, be a
pal, huh? After
Leonard: Ha, ha, ha …
Betty: I don’t like the
tone of this conversation at all.
Pooksie: Oh, nuts to you Betty,
don’t you know what boys talk about in the shower rooms?
Leonard: Ha, ha, I bet you know
all about that stuff, huh Pooksie?
Pooksie: Well, why don’t you
jist give me a pop quiz an find out. (giggles)
Leonard: Ha, ha, ha, oh, boy,
Betty, are you gonna take my locker room quiz
Betty: No, Leonard, and
Pooksie, you shouldn’t either.
Pooksie: Oh, phooey on you, Betty.
Come on, Leonard, let’s go around behind that bush over there so these
two prudes don’t get offended.
Leonard: Oh, boy! See ya later,
Frankie, and remember, a rollin’ stone grows no hair! Ha, ha, ha, …
Leonard go off)
Betty: Frankie, can you
tell me what Leonard was talking about?
Frankie: Gosh, Betty, I don’t
think I can.
Betty: I hope it wasn’t
anything nasty, because you know, Frankie, a girl can get a bad
reputation from the way boys talk.
Frankie: Oh, Betty, you know I
wouldn’t let anybody say anything bad about you.
Betty: I know, Frankie.
Frankie: Betty, would you like
to kiss a little?
Betty: Well, if you
promise it wouldn’t lead to anything else, Frankie.
Frankie: Cross my heart, Betty.
(They kiss, a loud
scream is heard)
Betty: What was that?
Frankie: It sounded like
Betty: I think there must
be some trouble!
(Pooksie runs on
histerical, falls crying)
Pooksie: Boo, hoo, hoo …help!
Help! Something … something terrible … monster … three dicks … sob,
sob, horrid … !
Betty: Pooksie, calm down,
calm down. Tell us what happened.
Frankie: Yeah, Pooksie, get
ahold of yourself.
Pooksie: Oh, it’s so terrible, a
… monster or something, came out of the water and crept up on us …boo,
hoo, … and caught ahold of Leonard, and then … and then …
Betty: Then what, Pooksie?
Pooksie: He … he pulled
Leonard’s pants down … boo, hoo …
Frankie: Oh, no!
Pooksie: And then the monster he
… he fucked Leonard in the … uh …
in the seat!
Betty: Frankie, I can’t
listen any more!
Pooksie: Sob, sob, horrid … ugly
… three of them …
Frankie: Three monsters?
Pooksie: No. One monster, but
he had three … uh …penises!
Betty: Pooksie, don’t say
Frankie: Betty, Pooksie, we
better get out of here!
Pooksie: But, I … I can’t walk!
Frankie: Oh, no! What’ll we
Betty: Frankie, you go for
help. I’ll stay with Pooksie.
Frankie: Good idea!
(Frankie runs off)
Pooksie: Oh, Betty, sob, sob, …
it’s all my fault, I’ve been so bad, … sob, sob, I just wanted …
Betty: I know, Pooksie, I
(Noise of the
Pooskie: Betty, what’s that?
Betty: Oh, no …!
Pooksie: Hide, Betty, hide!
Pooksie; Betty, hiding, watches the whole thing)
Pooksie: No! No! It’s too big!
… All I wanted was …
Pooksie, she begins to enjoy it)
Pooksie runs after him)
Betty: Pooksie! Pooksie!
Oh, no, she was right here getting … And now she’s disappeared, oh no!
Scene Two – The
Announcer: (friendly, chuckling)
Good evening, this late development just in from the Police Department.
Two teenagers, apparently enjoying a beach party at Devil’s Point, have
been missing since they wandered away from their friends. (He
snickers) The two are Pooksie MacArthur and Leonard Schmidt. Any
one with information about their whereabouts, or their “how” abouts, he,
he, he, should contact the Police Department at once. And now here’s
Ellie with the weather.
Weather Girl: Thanks Fred, there’s a
big storm due in the area tonight, and we hope no one gets caught with
their “pants down,” tee, hee, hee, …
Scene Three – Outside
the Sheriff’s Office
Frankie: But, Betty, we have to
tell the police, this monster could attack anyone in the county. It’s
Betty: But Frankie, what
if they don’t believe us. It’s all so horrid and repulsive. I don’t
know if I believe it myself.
Frankie: Betty, Betty, you’ve
got to believe it. It’s our only hope. It’s their only hope. Come on.
(They go into the
Frankie: Sheriff Hard-on!
Sheriff: Howdy, Frankie!
Howdy, Betty! What are you all doin’ out so late?
Frankie: It’s about Pookise
MacArthur and Leonard Schmidt.
Sheriff: Pooksie and
Leonard! Haw, haw! I bet those kids are havin’ fun.
Haw, haw, haw …
(The sheriff begins
rubbing his crotch)
Betty: But, Sheriff,
something terrible has happened!
Sheriff: (eyeing Betty) Oh,
no! Let me call my secretary. Miss Twat! Mis Twat, come in here
(Miss Twat comes
Miss Twat: Yes, sir?
Yes, Sheriff Hard-on?
(The sheriff gets
his nose caught in her tits)
Sheriff: Aagghh ggguhh …
(They pull him
Frankie: Sheriff, please, this
is important. Please listen. You tell him, Betty.
Betty: Sheriff, Pooksie
and Leonard were attacked last night!
Sheriff: Attacked? Oh, no!
Miss Twat, did you hear that …? AAggghhh...
(Miss Twat has
dropped her pencil and is bent over to pick it up; the sheriff gets his
nose caught in her ass)
Sheriff: Gggaahhh … ggghhhaw
(They pry him loose)
Frankie: Sheriff, listen, those
two kids were attacked by a monster. I know it sounds unbelievable but
it’s true. A monster with big eyes and green scales, and … and … you
tell him, Betty.
Betty: Uh … yes, I saw him.
He has three … penises … sob, sob … and he fucked Leonard in the … in
the seat, and poor Pooksie, too. I saw it!
Sheriff: (pulling out his
penis and begins masturbating) Now we’re getting somewhere! And then
Frankie: Sheriff! Put that
away! Betty, Betty, don’t look!
(Miss Twat sees the
sheriff’s penis and leaps down onto it)
Frankie: Please listen, please!
Betty: Oh, Frankie, it’s
no use. They won’t listen to us. Come on, it’s no use
Frankie: I guess you’re right,
Betty. Let’s go.
* * *
On and on it goes, a full twenty-five
minutes of that kind of rollacking good humor. Sheriff Hard-on and Miss
Twat have many more adventures, of course, and the monster gets to fuck
an old missionary couple, a traveling salesman, the nymphomatic Mary Lu,
and finally a cow. In the end practically the full, female student
body of Piedmont High, disgusted with the sizes of their boyfriends'
tiny penises mob attack the poor, well-hung monster!
My character, of course, remained the
* * *
...NEXT: LES NICKELETTES ARE BORN