From "The Memoirs, Chapter Four" -
Then, too, we were getting
invitations to parties and such and a few of the frat houses at the
University of Washington wanted our shows, but more, you know, racy! they said.
At that time Zap Comics were real big
and all the hippies read them and they were full of well-known
characters, the big-ass girl of R. Crumb, the Fabulous Furry Freak
Brothers and such, to name a few. A popular series was S. Clay
“Captain Pissgums and His Pervert Pirates,” a ridiculous series about
a ship full of ugly pervert pirates who sailed the seas, fucking
each other and such.
Well, we pieced together a few of the episodes
and amplified the story of the attacking dyke ship of the Captain
Fatima and her butch lesbians, sworn enemies of Captain Pissgums and
our heroes. Billy King played Pissgums, Brenda played Fatima, Russ
Pissgum’s thug, John Counter the Captain’s favorite cabin boy, all
with big rubber dicks for the guys and big false titties for the girls.
* * *
PISSGUMS AND HIS PERVERT PIRATES"
SCENE 1 – ON BOARD
THE PIRATE SHIP
OPENING SONG: "BLOW THE MAN DOWN"
NARRATOR: One night the Pirates were
just laying around, playing with each other and blowing opium trying to
figure out where to travel to.
TONY: Maybe we should go to Spain,
Felix … nice balls.
GEORGE: Hey, Captain, where we headed
LESTER: George, you’re wearing lip
CAPTAIN: (smoking) Uuuuhh, … we’re
going … uuh … we’re gonna see … uuh, George, come here and sit on my
GEORGE: Alright, Captain. (he sits on
the captain’s face) … now what, sir?
CAPTAIN: (shoving him off) PHAW!
George, you’re a big pain in the ass, always doin’ anything people ask!
GEORGE: Pain in the ass? Must be your
LESTER: Seriously though, Captain,
where we headed next? My love life is beginning to slide.
TONY: (to Lester) Ball me.
CAPTAIN: Lemme think a minute, Lester.
(he gets out a map) Let me check my navigation charts … Hmmm, FUCK! I
haven’t the foggiest notion where we are! Let’s figure this shit out
tomorrow. You men go above and play. Me and George gotta have some
GEORGE: My lip rouge is smeared again,
Captain … piss!
(The men go above, Captain and George
CAPTAIN: George, you’re my favorite. …
GEORGE: Captain, oooooh, my Captain …
(Lester bursts in the door.)
LESTER: I’d love to bust that fruity
George in da mouth…
(Captain throws a boot hitting Lester
in the mouth.)
CAPTAIN: Next time knock, ya lout!
(George falls out of bed, Lester swings
a club at the Captain, hits Lester in the mouth.)
CAPTAIN: You’re a crazy son of a bitch,
(Captain hits Lester with the butt of
his gun, Lester falls.)
CAPTAIN: All this pointless fucking
violence, All I wanted was a night with George. Best I go help the lad
GEORGE: Here I am, Captain Pissgums,
my love. I got a little something for ya …
CAPTAIN: (embracing George) Mmmm,
George, my dove, your crank is as warm as toast …
(Song: “You’re Lovely,” various
positions, at last both sit admiring the Captain’s erect member.)
CAPTAIN: Not a bad slab of meat, I
GEORGE: Let’s have the little Cabin
Boy muse over it.
(Tony is dusting in another part of the
TONY: This dusting makes me sneeze and
when I start sneezing my crank starts to ooze. Oh, well …
GEORGE: Forget that, Tony. The
Captain has something else to dust.
TONY: Uuugh! You reek of absinthe …
(George takes Tony into the Captain’s
room. The Captain has been jerking off into an antique vase.)
GEORGE: The Captain has a prize prod,
my blushing-balled birdlet.
TONY: My dusting! What about my
CAPTAIN: (about to come) Please come
in … be seated if you like … I’ll, I’ll be with you in a minute … mmmggg
TONY: The dusting can wait. I want
the Captain’s big throbbing prod shoved down my throat!
(The Captain comes, a bulls-eye in the
GEORGE: Nice shot, Captain. Want the
cabin boy to lick it clean?
CAPTAIN: Yes, get all his clothes off
and then put him in the harness.
(George goes out with Tony. The
Captain is playing with his come.)
CAPTAIN: Hmmm, mmm, uk uk mmk, …
(Geogre returns with Tony in the
TONY: This thing is tight … and hot!
CAPTAIN: Come, my sweet, and run your
tongue over my emblem of the generative power.
(Tony begins sucking the Captain.
George starts jacking off, holding a pistol to Tony’s ass.)
GEORGE: Don’t flinch, you prick, of
you’re a gone goose!
CAPTAIN: OOOOOoooh, Christ, shit,
howdy, … Work out, my little dusting dick!
(George starts to come and accidentally
fires the pistol up Tony’s ass.)
CAPTAIN: AHHHHHHEEEE! … You bastard,
George! The ball went clear through and plugged up my crank!
SCENE 2 – NEXT
MORNING ON DECK
CAPTAIN: Good morning, men, you look
like hell! What we’re gonna do, though, is stay on this course for
awhile. I realize that sounds vague, … but don’t sweat it. Today
everybody gets a double ration of grog! And we’re gonna keep on the
same course and sail and sail and fuck!
(Big orgy scene.)
SCENE 3 – BELOW DECK
(The pirates are sitting around the
grog barrel, singing and feeling each other up.)
FELIX: How old are you mate?
LESTER: Old enough to drink cup after
cup of this here grog!
FELIX: I’m just trying to strike up
some gentle conversation … Can I fondle yer tool?
LESTER: (smiling) It’s ungodly big,
want to see?
FELIX: I sure would. Want to finish
yer rum first?
LESTER: Fuck that rum, I’m proud of my
crank. I’ll just reach down and flip it up on this table.
(He pulls out a gigantic prick, over
three feet long, eight inches in diameter.)
FELIX: My thunder! What a wopper …
LESTER: Ain’t it nice? It’s the
biggest on board … When I pop it fills buckets!
FELIX: It looks great mate! Let me
sample it …
(He pulls out a knife and chops off the
end of it, popping it in his mouth.)
FELIX: Mmmm! … The heads always taste
(Lester exits sobbing histerically.)
SCENE 4 – ON DECK
(The Captain and Tony are soaking in
CAPTAIN: What wonderful cranks you
young ‘uns have …
TONY: Squeeze harder, Cap!
(Suddenly a cannon ball comes crashing
through the foremast.)
GEORGE: It’s the DYKE PIRATES off the
(The dyke ship “The Qwivering Thight”
sails into view.)
FATIMA: I’m willing to bet the tip of
my red-hot tongue that ol´Captain Pissgums is shitting in his boots
about now! Give ém another round, Ruth my tart!
RUTH: Very good, sir!!
(Another shot, this one hitting Felix
in the balls.)
FATIMA: Try these shots on for size,
Captain Pissgums, you bitty ol’ shit.
(Another round, this time en entire
volley, nearly destroying Pissgums’ ship. Then quiet.)
CAPTAIN: They’re a bunch of nasty ones,
George. I lost my new hat and everything. Better get the men together!
That bitch, Fatima, will be over here like a shot, to fight us hand to
hand. Long day ahead!
LESTER: Can’t see jack-shit out of
CAPTAIN: Alright, mates, grab a sword
or club or some damn thing! Those dykes’ll be over here on us like
stink on shit in about a minute! Break out the arms, Master George!
GEORGE: Alright, mates, grab a cutlass.
(Meanwhile on “The Quivering Thigh”)
FATIMA: Alright, girls, get your cunts
a crackin’. Later on today old Pissgums will be beggin’ for mercy!
Let’s let ‘em have it!
LULU: Have what, sir?
CAPTAIN: HERE COMES THE DYKES!
(The cry is taken up by all the men and
then also by all the women.)
ALL: HERE COMES THE DYKES!
HERE COMES THE DYKES! (etc.)
(A gigantic fight.)
FELIX: I ain’t used to fightin’ women,
not even dykes. How could I dare touch that nice tit with a weapon? I
(Ruth hits him with a board.)
RUTH: I ain’t interested in your sex
CAPTAIN: Fight ‘em, men! Remember
they’re dykes anyway!
LESTER: The Captain’s right! These
women just ball each other, … so let’s fight their ass!
LULU: You snag-nut smelly bilge rat!
RUTH: You ugly mother, get your teeth
of my titty!
TONY: Let go of my tool!
FATIMA: Where’s ol’ Captain Pissgums?
I’m gonna fix his little wagon for him, by God!
(Pissgums rushes in with a dead fish
and smacks Fatima in the mouth with it.)
CAPTAIN: Try this out,, toots!
TONY: Smack ‘er good, Cap!
(Fatima, maddened, rips off Pissgums’
pants, bites his cock and they go rolling down into the hatch.)
(Meanwhile the fighting between the
perverts and the dykes has slowed down.)
FELIX: Whew! This fightin’s too much
like workin’ … Let’s fuck instead, mate.
RYTH: You’re right, mate.
GEORGE: Nice jugs.
RUTH: You’ve got a nice touch, for a
man. Hold my twat.
LULU: (rushing in) Listen, everybody!
I just discovered that this ship is SINKIN’ FAST!
RUTH: We can all go aboard our ship,
“The Qwivering Thigh” and have some fun! Pull ourselves together, and
even though we’re dykes, we can use you men cuzz you’re all hung so nice
… Exceptions can be made. So let’s go have ourselves a fat orgy!
LULU: You men are perverts and we’re
dykes? Hmmmm, we can work it out.
(Both crews leave the ship to sink,
forgetting to inform Captain Pissgums and Fatima who are about to come.)
CAPTAIN: Hmmmmgh … umpfff, Fatima …
Fatima, oh yer so fuckin’ hairy, mmmm
FATIMA: Captain Pissy, I am yours
forever! Please … eat out my clit.
CAPTAIN: Fatima, I love you, smmmmghk
(As the pirate ship sinks into the
water, both crews shout,)
ALL: MAKE LOVE NOT WAR!
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR!
* * *
So we played it around at the frat
houses and got ourselves a bit more reputation.
* * *
...NEXT: MEET ME
AT THE SODA FOUNTAIN