From "The Memoirs, Chapter Five" -

            Then we came up with a new piece.  We wanted to stage something like our “20-minute spectaculars” that we had done in Seattle, with music and silly singing and dancing and lewd innuendoes, that we could play around in some coffee shops and such.  We set it in the Bay Area, a spoof of those 50's sci-fi pix and called it “The Triple-Dick Monster from Outer Space” with a very graphic poster, of course, about a monster from outer space who has three dicks and lands in Piedmont and is the last of his species, and whose mission in life is to mate with as many young high schools girls as possible, to further propigate his race.  His anatomy, of course, allowing him to impregnate three at once.  Terry would play the monster.

            Soon the show was ready for an audience and we began hawking it around the bars and coffee houses of North Beach.  We would do it for free, of course, just passing the hat after the shows and, again, having the time of our lives!

*  *  *

Scene One – A party at the beach

(A teen rock bank is playing)

Pooksie:        Gee, it sure is a beautiful night to be out at the ocean, ain’t it, Betty?

Betty:              It sure is, Pooksie.

Pooksie:        And romantic, too.

Leonard:        (aside to Frankie) Hell yes, I feel like getting some ass tonight.

Frankie:         Oh …uh …that’s a good idea.

Leonard:        Ha, ha, ha, ha, oh yeah.  I forgot you ain’t got no hair on your balls yet, ha ha ha ...

Pooksie:        What are you boys whisperin’ about over there?  Somethin’ you don’t want us girls to hear?  (giggles)

Leonard:        Aw, shucks, no, Pooksie.  I was just sayin’ that Frankie here ain’t

                       got no …

Frankie:         Golly, Leonard, be a pal, huh?  After all …

Leonard:        Ha, ha, ha …

Betty:              I don’t like the tone of this conversation at all.

Pooksie:        Oh, nuts to you Betty, don’t you know what boys talk about in the shower rooms?

Betty:              Pooksie!

Leonard:        Ha, ha, I bet you know all about that stuff, huh Pooksie?

Pooksie:        Well, why don’t you jist give me a pop quiz an find out.  (giggles)

Leonard:        Ha, ha, ha, oh, boy, Betty, are you gonna take my locker room quiz

                       too?

Betty:             No, Leonard, and Pooksie, you shouldn’t either.

Pooksie:       Oh, phooey on you, Betty.  Come on, Leonard, let’s go around behind that bush over there so these two prudes don’t get offended.

Leonard:        Oh, boy!  See ya later, Frankie, and remember, a rollin’ stone grows no hair!  Ha, ha, ha, …

(Pooksie and Leonard go off) 

Betty:              Frankie, can you tell me what Leonard was talking about?

Frankie:         Gosh, Betty, I don’t think I can.

Betty:              I hope it wasn’t anything nasty, because you know, Frankie, a girl can get a bad reputation from the way boys talk.

Frankie:         Oh, Betty, you know I wouldn’t let anybody say anything bad about you.

Betty:              I know, Frankie.

Frankie:         Betty, would you like to kiss a little?

Betty:              Well, if you promise it wouldn’t lead to anything else, Frankie.

Frankie:         Cross my heart, Betty.

(They kiss, a loud scream is heard)

Betty:              What was that?

Frankie:         It sounded like Pooksie!

Betty:             I think there must be some trouble!

(Pooksie runs on histerical, falls crying)

Pooksie:        Boo, hoo, hoo …help!  Help!  Something  … something terrible … monster … three dicks … sob, sob, horrid … !

Betty:              Pooksie, calm down, calm down.  Tell us what happened.

Frankie:         Yeah, Pooksie, get ahold of yourself.

Pooksie:        Oh, it’s so terrible, a … monster or something, came out of the water and crept up on us …boo, hoo, … and caught ahold of Leonard, and then … and then …

Betty:              Then what, Pooksie?  Tell us!

Pooksie:        He … he pulled Leonard’s pants down … boo, hoo …

Frankie:         Oh, no!

Pooksie:        And then the monster he … he fucked Leonard in the … uh …

                        in the seat!

Betty:              Frankie, I can’t listen any more!

Pooksie:        Sob, sob, horrid … ugly … three of them …

Frankie:         Three monsters?

Pooksie:        No.  One monster, but he had three … uh …penises!

Betty:              Pooksie, don’t say any more!

Frankie:         Betty, Pooksie, we better get out of here!

Pooksie:        But, I … I can’t walk!

Frankie:         Oh, no!  What’ll we do?

Betty:              Frankie, you go for help.  I’ll stay with Pooksie.

Frankie:         Good idea!

(Frankie runs off)

Pooksie:        Oh, Betty, sob, sob, … it’s all my fault, I’ve been so bad, … sob, sob, I just wanted …

Betty:              I know, Pooksie, I know.

(Noise of the monster)

Pooskie:        Betty, what’s that?

Betty:              Oh, no …!

(Monster appears, girls scream)

Pooksie:        Hide, Betty, hide!

(Monster attacks Pooksie; Betty, hiding, watches the whole thing)

Pooksie:        No!  No!  It’s too big!  … All I wanted was …

(Monster fucks Pooksie, she begins to enjoy it)

Pooksie:        MMMMMMM…

(Monster finishes, Pooksie runs after him)

Betty:              Pooksie!  Pooksie!  Oh, no, she was right here getting … And now she’s disappeared, oh no!

(Betty exits, crying)

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Scene Two – The Evening News

Announcer:    (friendly, chuckling)  Good evening, this late development just in from the Police Department.  Two teenagers, apparently enjoying a beach party at Devil’s Point, have been missing since they wandered away from their friends.  (He snickers)  The two are Pooksie MacArthur and Leonard Schmidt.  Any one with information about their whereabouts, or their “how” abouts, he, he, he, should contact the Police Department at once.  And now here’s Ellie with the weather.

Weather Girl:  Thanks Fred, there’s a big storm due in the area tonight, and we hope no one gets caught with their “pants down,” tee, hee, hee, …

------------------------------

Scene Three – Outside the Sheriff’s Office

Frankie:         But, Betty, we have to tell the police, this monster could attack anyone in the county.  It’s our responsibility!

Betty:              But Frankie, what if they don’t believe us.  It’s all so horrid and repulsive.  I don’t know if I believe it myself.

Frankie:         Betty, Betty, you’ve got to believe it.  It’s our only hope.  It’s their only hope.  Come on.

(They go into the Sheriff’s office)

Frankie:          Sheriff Hard-on!  Sheriff Hard-on!

Sheriff:            Howdy, Frankie!  Howdy, Betty!  What are you all doin’ out so late?

Frankie:          It’s about Pookise MacArthur and Leonard Schmidt.

Sheriff:            Pooksie and Leonard!  Haw, haw!  I bet those kids are havin’ fun.

                        Haw, haw, haw …

(The sheriff begins rubbing his crotch)

Betty:              But, Sheriff, something terrible has happened!

Sheriff:           (eyeing Betty)  Oh, no!  Let me call my secretary.  Miss Twat!  Mis Twat, come in here please.

(Miss Twat comes running in)

Miss Twat:      Yes, sir?  Yes, Sheriff Hard-on?

(The sheriff gets his nose caught in her tits)

Sheriff:           Aagghh ggguhh …

Betty:              Sheriff!

(They pull him loose)

Frankie:          Sheriff, please, this is important.  Please listen.  You tell him, Betty.

Betty:              Sheriff, Pooksie and Leonard were attacked last night!

Sheriff:            Attacked?  Oh, no!  Miss Twat, did you hear that …?  AAggghhh...

(Miss Twat has dropped her pencil and is bent over to pick it up; the sheriff gets his nose caught in her ass)

Sheriff:            Gggaahhh … ggghhhaw …

Betty:              Sheriff!

(They pry him loose)

Frankie:         Sheriff, listen, those two kids were attacked by a monster.  I know it sounds unbelievable but it’s true.  A monster with big eyes and green scales, and … and … you tell him, Betty.

Betty:              Uh … yes, I saw him.  He has three … penises … sob, sob … and he fucked Leonard in the … in the seat, and poor Pooksie, too.  I saw it!

Sheriff:           (pulling out his penis and begins masturbating)  Now we’re getting somewhere!  And then what?

Frankie:         Sheriff!  Put that away!  Betty, Betty, don’t look!

(Miss Twat sees the sheriff’s penis and leaps down onto it)

Frankie:          Please listen, please!

Betty:              Oh, Frankie, it’s no use.  They won’t listen to us.  Come on, it’s no use

                        to try.

Frankie:          I guess you’re right, Betty.  Let’s go.

(They exit)

…

*  *  *

On and on it goes, a full twenty-five minutes of that kind of rollacking good humor.  Sheriff Hard-on and Miss Twat have many more adventures, of course, and the monster gets to fuck an old missionary couple, a traveling salesman, the nymphomatic Mary Lu, and finally a cow.  In the end practically the full, female student body of Piedmont High, disgusted with the sizes of their boyfriends' tiny penises mob attack the poor, well-hung monster!

My character, of course, remained the perfect innocent! 

*  *  *

   ...NEXT:  LES NICKELETTES ARE BORN